The topic of health is one that I hold very dear to my heart. Because if you look past my medium sized frame and smiley face you will find a young lady with a very troubled past. I used to be addicted to food. I'm not sure how many of you understand that food can be an addiction, just like drugs, pornography, and alcohol. I was never diagnosed by anyone lol but I know how much food occupied my mind and how not normal that is. For most of the last 10 years I have gone up & down with my weight and gone through periods of "happy" "sad" "happy" "sad" based upon my size. My freshmen yr, in high school I was only a whopping zero! But as the year went on guys called me skinny and so it began to form-being self-conscience.
The next yr. I went up 2 sizes. My eating out began to catch up with me-fast lol. From then on I was totally aware of my weight. It helped that I was active in school so apart from that I didn't have to do much exercise. Entering into college, was when I realized how overweight I was and how unhappy my pictures were making me feel. My critical eye was birthed & analyzing every picture was a must! From head to toe I remarked about every "out of place" and overflowing body part.
Those next 6-7 years I hated taking pictures! It was too much work trying to pose right & hide this and that. I dreaded looking at them and hated having to redo the pic. So started the late night gym sessions, binge eating, experimenting with different diets & fasts. At one point if I ate something I felt like I Had to go run it off. I don't know if that's a diagnosis lol but it should have been.
I felt really good when the weight came off and really BAD when it came back on. Up & down, up & down. Consuming thoughts of eating filled my mind daily. I was already thinking about getting seconds before I started eating my first! Heaven forbid all the food be gone before I could get more! Smh. I didn't know how to stop eating, I didn't know WHAT to eat, and I didn't know how to say No. Something so simple, "No." If I was full & someone offered me more-"sure." If someone wanted to go out to eat & I already ate-"sure." Self-control was not in me. I was out of control.
The only thing saving me from obesity was my water and disinterest in sweets (Thanks mom for always giving me water & withholding the sweets!). So as you can see, life on the inside was not pleasant. It was a daily battle. I always asked God for help, cried and poured out to Him. No change, well no permanent change. I felt so guilty that I was fighting to stop eating when I was supposed to be fighting bigger issues in life. I was supposed to be walking in my purpose and not in depression! I was supposed to be helping people come to Jesus and I'm seriously wallowing in my food issue???? SMH. Lord!
On November 23, 2009 I journaled this:
~~I feel down, down trotten, weary, heavy, hopeless. When did it get out of hand & never ending? I want to be as honest & vivid as possible because I know I'll look back and smile at the powers of my Father. Many will hear my story and feel inspired to do the same. I can clearly remember asking God in my journal when was it going to end? What was my last chapter going to be consist of? 3 yrs later I was freed in Jesus name. Man I'm sick. But you know I can do it! You know Lord. You're allowing it and I have to be tired of being tired. Please give me the strength. I feel like I have none left.
I'm going to do it for you, by you, and through you. I'm fighting the good fight of faith. love U.
This would be the last letter I would have to write to God about this.....to be continued.
Click Here for part 2 ----> (http://aperfectfitministries.blogspot.com/2012/09/here-to-stay-journey-to-health-pt2.html)