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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Obsessed. (Journey to Health pt.1)


  The topic of health is one that I hold very dear to my heart. Because if you look past my medium sized frame and smiley face you will find a young lady with a very troubled past. I used to be addicted to food. I'm not sure how many of you understand that food can be an addiction, just like drugs, pornography,  and alcohol. I was never diagnosed by anyone lol but I know how much food occupied my mind and how not normal that is. For most of the last 10 years I have gone up & down with my weight and gone through periods of "happy" "sad" "happy" "sad" based upon my size. My freshmen yr, in high school I was only a whopping zero! But as the year went on guys called me skinny and so it began to form-being self-conscience. 

The next yr. I went up 2 sizes. My eating out began to catch up with me-fast lol. From then on I was totally aware of my weight. It helped that I was active in school so apart from that I didn't have to do much exercise. Entering into college, was when I realized how overweight I was and how unhappy my pictures were making me feel. My critical eye was birthed & analyzing every picture was a must! From head to toe I remarked about every "out of place" and overflowing body part. 

Those next 6-7 years I hated taking pictures! It was too much work trying to pose right & hide this and that. I dreaded looking at them and hated having to redo the pic. So started the late night gym sessions, binge eating, experimenting with different diets & fasts. At one point if I ate something I felt like I Had to go run it off. I don't know if that's a diagnosis lol but it should have been. 

I felt really good when the weight came off and really BAD when it came back on. Up & down, up & down. Consuming thoughts of eating filled my mind daily. I was already thinking about getting seconds before I started eating my first! Heaven forbid all the food be gone before I could get more! Smh. I didn't know how to stop eating, I didn't know WHAT to eat, and I didn't know how to say No. Something so simple, "No."  If I was full & someone offered me more-"sure." If someone wanted to go out to eat & I already ate-"sure." Self-control was not in me. I was out of control. 

The only thing saving me from obesity was my water and disinterest in sweets (Thanks mom for always giving me water & withholding the sweets!). So as you can see, life on the inside was not pleasant. It was a daily battle. I always asked God for help, cried and poured out to Him. No change, well no permanent change. I felt so guilty that I was fighting to stop eating when I was supposed to be fighting bigger issues in life. I was supposed to be walking in my purpose and not in depression! I was supposed to be helping people come to Jesus and I'm seriously wallowing in my food issue???? SMH. Lord! 


On November 23, 2009 I journaled this:


  
    ~~I feel down, down trotten, weary, heavy, hopeless. When did it get out of hand & never ending? I want to be as honest & vivid as possible because I know I'll look back and smile at the powers of my Father. Many will hear my story and feel inspired to do the same. I can clearly remember asking God in my journal when was it going to end? What was my last chapter going to be consist of? 3 yrs later I was freed in Jesus name. Man I'm sick. But you know I can do it! You know Lord. You're allowing it and I have to be tired of being tired. Please give me the strength. I feel like I have none left.
I'm going to do it for you, by you, and through you. I'm fighting the good fight of faith. love U. 



This would be the last letter I would have to write to God about this.....to be continued.
 Click Here for part 2 ----> (http://aperfectfitministries.blogspot.com/2012/09/here-to-stay-journey-to-health-pt2.html)

2 comments:

  1. Jessica Martinez- ;)September 23, 2012 at 5:53 PM

    I don't think I realized how much you were affected by all this during our college years. So happy to see you looking and FEELING great now. Keep blogging! You are writing things that all women feel but don't talk enough about in a healthy way. We are too quick to encourage each other to diet or lose weight for selfish reasons. Keep encouraging people to make LIFE changes Jewelbabe. Love you.

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  2. thank you, Love you Jess! I'ma keep pressing forward, writing along the way!

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