I came across this blog through Instagram and I loved it. She's a local member of Pinky Promise (http://www.pinkypromisemovement.com/) here in Columbus. They have a page on Facebook if you want to search it :) But, I love transparency because it removes fear, guilt, isolation, shame and adds hope. Often people think they're the only ones who are "dirty" and sinful. But, the reality is is that we were all born into sin. The bible says we all have fallen short....Jesus is the heart changer :) And savior. So enjoy this story of God's saving grace. Introducing Brittany Chaunte from http://forchristilive.wordpress.com
*My Scars
So I haven’t written a post in a long time. This has been on my heart. I am exposing myself to you in hopes that God reaches you where you are. My Pastor said “How will people know you were healed if you don’t uncover your scars?” That hit home because God had just told me to write out my testimony. I am no longer ashamed because God will get glory. So here it goes! Its long but read all the way through!
Oh how far I’ve come in such a short period of time. God has completely changed my life. I can honestly say that most of the time I don’t recognize myself. 2 Corinthians 5:17 surely is my testimony.
So to start from the beginning: My mother had me at age 16. Her mother had her at 15. Her mother had her first child at a young age. Needless to say, I came from a line of women who had sex young. Then there was my dad. My biological dad died when I was 5 years old. When he died, I was the oldest of his 5 kids, none of which have the same mom. By the laws of sin, I was predestined to act how I did. I’ll explain later.
Growing up was hard for me. My mom married when I was seven. We struggled financially my whole life. I remember times where my mom had to make up meals by using whatever we had in our house. There was even a time what we lived in a hotel room. My mom and stepdad shared a bed and my brother and I shared the other. We ate microwaveable meals and we made the most of it, but it was very hard. When we couldn’t afford to stay there anymore, I was sent to live with my grandmother and I was separated from my family. I think now, reflecting back, I always kind of felt displaced and was looking for security someway, somehow.
I think that was the year it started. I was in fourth grade and trying to find my place. I began to seek attention from the opposite sex. I didn’t see it that way, but that’s what I did. I went from “boyfriend” to “boyfriend” and kept that pattern going. That period of adolescence was my first real introduction to sexual attention. I remember an older boy pointed out how he was attracted to my butt. That planted a seed that my body would be used to attract attention.
Fourth grade, fifth grade, and sixth grade were all about me finding the right boy to make me feel special. Mind you I was raised in church. We went so much that I had a grasp on the Word from a very young age. But I didn’t know what it meant to have a relationship with God. I would walk around telling people I go to church all the while doing what I could to be like them and to fit in. I remember in sixth grade sitting at the lunch table, cussing and carrying on, when one boy said, “I thought you went to church. Why do you cuss so much?” Talk about shots fired! I think it hurt but not enough to wake me up.
After sixth grade year, my parents decided to home school me. If I didn’t already feel like an outcast, that always made me feel even weirder. I kept trying to fit in. During the years that followed, I dabbled in things I shouldn’t have like making out, physically messing with boys, etc. I would do enough to make me feel good but never all the way. Something in me still required that I had some decency. I was really trying to remain a virgin until I was married. I knew I needed more in my life. By circumstances, I ended up going to a different church than I grew up in. Between the ages of 15 and 16, I truly experienced relationship with God. I had gotten to a point where I began to discover God for myself and wanted to know Him more. But the problem was I didn’t know myself or who God called me to be. Although I had experienced the power of God, I wasn’t tuned in enough to tune out the world. I began to fall away. I felt so weird being so close to God. I didn’t fit in. (If you notice that was a theme in my life.) I was homeschooled and a church girl. Outcast times two! I couldn’t handle it.
Age 17 was pivotal for me I stated earlier how I was almost predestined to be a sexual being and it was that year that I fell. I started down a long, dark path. I had sex for the first time in August. I cried that first time because something in me realized I had let God down, but I wasn’t able to grasp it. I had awakened something in me. I knew it was there but it was bigger than me. By December, I had slept with six people. I kept going recklessly down a destructive path. In the middle of May the following year, I met this guy. We slept together six days after meeting. I graduated from high school June 3rd and found out I was pregnant June 27th. Long story short, things began to spiral out of control. I lived with my child’s father but we didn’t know each other enough to make it last. My daughter was a year and a half and I was a single mom at age 20.
I would occasionally go to church but I didn’t feel worthy enough to keep going. I had messed up my life. I was still trying to find value and worth. I continued to turn to me. I developed a pattern. When my heart got broken, I would try to repair it with sex. I slept with so many different people just to feel intimacy and feel close to someone. It never worked and I would hop on to the next bed. One guy I slept with the same day we met because he was there in my time of need and loneliness. I had gotten to a point where I craved sex. I felt as if I need it and there was no way to function without having sex on a regular basis. I had been hurt by so many that eventually I became numb to real feelings and sex was just sex. I had become very mannish. I looked up and analyzed my life at one point and realized that seven years had gone by and I had slept with 15 men. I told myself to stop but the power of sin is strong if you don’t yield to the Holy Spirit. This realization was just last year. After I found out my ex had cheated on me, I began to bed hop all over again. I didn’t realize the root of the problem and kept on in my ways. Between August and December, I jumped from 15 men to 20 men.
I was tired of it. I had been doing this for 7 years and still felt the same. It wasn’t fulfilling. It didn’t make me fit it. It made me feel good in the moment but when I was alone, I was still alone. I started going back to church and God finally got through. He made Himself more real to me than ever but the real difference was that I wanted Him. I wanted my life to change. I was tired of searching for fulfillment and never finding it. I was tired of making a fool of myself. People talked about me behind my back. I didn’t want to live like that. I was a good girl and on the surface I thought my image was clean. Boy was I wrong. When I actually made the decision to change, God met me. In the midst of my mess, He showed me grace and mercy.
Between December and February, I began to change, but I didn’t have my flesh under control. In February I hit Blackjack. Playing with my flesh I found myself in a compromising situation and I failed and slept with number 21. I felt so convicted that I didn’t even enjoy it. I was so hurt that I had gone down that path. That was my turning point. I was all in. God showed me how He longs for us to be free but we just have to be willing to allow Him to remove our chains. I can say that six months ago I let God have ALL of me and I am changed. I know who I am and I find my worth in knowing Him and not in men. I do not need to fit in because He called me out. I am willing to wait for the one who God has created me to be with. God has done such a work in me all because I let Him. He has truly brought me out of the bottomless pit. He picked me up, dusted me off and held me in His arms. He loves me and He shows me constantly. Realizing how God has changed my life, how could I not serve Him? How could I not give Him my all? I thank and praise Him because He found me and made me worthy. Not because of anything I’ve done but because He called me. I was very promiscuous but God had better in mind than what was in my bloodline. I’ve been washed in the Blood of Jesus and cleansed. This is why I go so hard for Him. I’ve seen the other side. I’ve been there and I see how damaging it is to go back. People may judge my past but I know that God has so much more. I am not ashamed because it is an opportunity to give God glory.
God can do the same for you. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be living right. You have to be willing. It is the willingness that allowed me to get here. I was willing to let God do in me what He wants. I am nowhere near perfect but I am striving toward what He wants for me. I look at my life and realize that it is only God who could have changed me. If you want to know God for yourself, I want to share Him with you. He is stronger than anything you face and bigger than anything you’ve done. His love and mercy can cover anything. You have seen where I came from. I thought I was never going to be worthy but God did it. He will do it for you. If you want or need advice or support email me at brittany.c.harris@gmail.com. Love you and I hope this brings you closer to a real relationship with God. For Christ I Live, For Christ I Die!
Love me,
Love God.
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