Broken.

I've been talking a lot about being lowly, meek and humble lately. In other words:Broken.

Broken sounds like a bad word, but it's actually a great word. When things are broken it's usually not a good thing because something "failed" on us;  it's not usable anymore. But, when we are broken, we are then very usuable because GOD gets to fix us! Who doesn't want God's help? Well, prideful people maybe lol. 

God has really been using different situations to "break" me recently. I've mentioned before that I didn't realize how prideful I was until I got married. Well, there's more. A lot more.

 I used to think that I had to be a great witness to Jesus. That in order to bring people to Christ I had to remain "set apart" at all times. They had to see that I no longer did the things I used to do before Christ. But, of course I am human and there would be times that I would miss the mark. And so I had to do whatever it took to appear to be "Godly." I didn't feel loving on the inside but I had to do things to look as though I were. I used to bully my husband if I thought he wasn't being "Christ like." I used to get mad at him if we were around family and he was liking "their" music or laughing at certain tv shows. 

Because I wanted everyone to know we were different; set apart. Often times, I would think critical things about people. Call them hypocrites for being "wordly." All the while I was hurting. I entered in a season where I felt far from God and so I was judging everyone else to make me feel better inside.  As if everyone else was missing the mark, and not me. I convicted my husband of things because I really was the one convicted. I look back now and I really was far from God. Take a look at these scriptures:

~"He mocks proud mockers but gives grace to the humble." Proverbs 3:34

~"But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

~1 Peter 5:5 "Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."

~"Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar." Psalm 138:6

I was prideful and had a stiff heart. Hurting people really do hurt people. My number one victim was my husband. What I'm learning today is no matter what I do or how well I do it-I CANNOT make Jesus look any better. He's already great! He's been great before I was even thought of. Yes, people do horrible things in the name of Jesus and are hypocrites before the world. But, we are ALL hypocrites. 

We expect people to treat us well and we don't do it. We expect the best & give the least.  I used to think that little ol' me could protect His name. "Well if I appear to be wonderful to people and do great things then I am protecting Him and making more people want to know Him." But, I was bound to that "witnessing", I was religiously trying to earn something. Earn Him wins. ??? I don't know lol. And the fact that we slip up does not go against Jesus. He is the great I AM. 

We as His children (imperfect children) do not add or take away from Him. That is what I'm realizing. So my works do not make His resume any better! Lol. He doesn't need my works on this earth, I Need HIS works! He's already done it! He freely chose to take up His cross and lay down His life for us. Then was resurrected 3 days later...for ME. For YOU. It is finished. We just have to walk in that and He will surely sustain us.

My resume and good deeds don't bring people to Christ. His WORD does. It's not a matter of how "saved" I act or am, but how broken I am. I don't go around saying I don't do this anymore or this or this or that and expect that to be the "Jesus catch." No. It has to be my brokenness, the fact that I am nothing without Him. (John 15:5)

That is the truth. I am nothing without Him. He gave me my life. The fact that I am changing, growing, learning, and being humbled is only thanks to Him. I don't have anything all together. Nothing in me wants to be humbled. That's why I walk with Christ. Because He is everything I am not. He is all the inspiration we need. He is my savior everyday. That is what I want you to know about me. That if I go out and minister to the poor or donate much of what I have; or serve my husband it's not because I'm an angel; it's because of God! He is worth every effort of mine to serve Him. I'm just a woman who is learning how to stay low and eyes up to the Lord.

 Pride is a dangerous thing. It will cause us to pretend and lie just to save our face. Pride is after the glory and wants all the credit. Pride wants to be raised up. Don't fall for it. Affirmation is addicting. People want to feel important. That's how satan fell from heaven. Pride! There's an itching need to be made great. But there is none great like Jesus. There is no name more worthy.

And so I'm in the beginning stages of "dying."

"It means that we must be willing to die to our own interests, die to our own reputation, die to our own rights, die to our own ways of doing things, die to our own comfort, conveniences, hopes, dreams, and aspirations. To "die" means to lay it all down. TO give it all up. TO let it all go." Nancy Demoss (Taken from her book, Brokenness)

Jesus told His disciples, "He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life" John 12:25

I don't want to appear perfect or holy. I don't want to have the last word in an argument. And I don't want to make sure I get the credit for something I did. I don't want to flaunt my years walking with Christ so that I'll appear more wise or credible. ??? Yea whatever that means. Being set apart in this world is being lowly like Christ. Everyone wants to be the best, the greatest and most successful! Jesus was perfect and NEVER flaunted that. 

We want everyone to know about US. Look at me. Look at me! The famous want you to know how famous they are. They want the fastest cars, biggest house, best bodies. They want more and more. Smh. Sighhhh. Lord, help us! Help ME. This is what a genuine relationship with God looks like. Constant repentance. Constant self-examination. It's not some fairy tale poppins thing to make us look or feel good. It's REAL. It will cause us to constantly change because the more we look at HIM, the more we look at ourselves and realize we ain't nothing without Him! And if we know we ain't nothing, how then can we judge people according to our standards? Jesus is the standard. Not me or you.

I'm telling you, it's a lonely road. No one wants to be humbled. In this world, it's not a desired thing to be last. But I tell you to be last is to be first. God will give grace to the humbled and He will lift you up! He will come to your rescue as you call on Him for help. I know. He has really been with me these weeks as I face resistance. If you're on the road for brokenness you can expect to be faced with some prideful people! 

Expect to be falsely accused just like Jesus was. I'm the (or I wassss lol) the type of person who was quick to correct you if you had any part of the story wrong lol. Any off detail? Yea I'm fixing it. That's pride because you want to be right or you want to appear a certain way and don't like people making you seem this way and that way. Why? Because you care sooo much about what people think about you. Do we want people to think we're so great because inside we really know we're not? We know when we're lying or exaggerating to people, giving with hidden motives or talking badly about people so maybe self-consciously we are trying to feel better about ourselves. I don't know-just a thought. 

So, I'm expressing my desire to decrease and let God INcrease. I don't want to walk with the Lord and all you hear about is how I've changed. More importantly, I want you to hear about WHO changed me. :) BIG smile. Jesus. I don't want to be put on a pedestal or counted as a "life changer." There's only room for ONE on that great pedestal. 

It cannot be shared with preachers, actors or athletes. He is the only ONE worthy to sit that high. Yes, He made us in His image which is wonderful but He IS the good news :) not us. I pray that my "new walk" totally transforms my marriage and role as a mother. I don't want to be right or be served I just want to Love and think more highly of others. Like I said it's not easy and that's alright everything worth much, is worth working Hard for. That's why I serve Jesus because He makes everything good and holds me together. 

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 16:27

I'll probably be writing about this more :) I'm excited and grateful that the Lord is dealing with me. There are billions of people in this world but He always has enough time & love to share with each one of us. He cares so much that He doesn't want us to stay the same. He wants to show us how to be more like Him. 

Sometimes we can think we're okay. That we really are good people, but the truth is we're just not. We NEED Him all the time. I thought I was a pretty transparent person, but He wants more. He says to Remove the walls! Let the people in. He wants me to be broken before all so that He can get the glory through my short comings. And just maybe more people will let their guard down, too. 

Unmask the fakeness. It won't be a question of are they saved, but are they broken? Admitting that we don't got "this" together. Whatever that is? And only then will we begin to live the supernatural life of Christ. The fullness of life just being us. A child of the most high God :) no pressure to be the best, the smartest or have the most...just be at His feet (Psalm 27:4) all the days of our life. He deserves everything we have!

p.s. Brokenness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss is amazing! You should check it out :)

Love me,

Love God.